This post is not to insult anyone, including the Amish, it is to poke fun at ourselves......and yes to tap into our childish behavior.
The world is very serious right now and sometimes we need a little escape and to laugh at ourselves.
Please be patient, this takes just an Amish minute..wait to scroll to watch video
Turn Up Ye Speakers & Rock To
"AMISH PARADISE
TOP 10 REASONS WHY NOT TO BE AMISH
(so make up ye mind before entering)
10. You start what you think is a really good Amish blog and your only visitors are Hutterites (amish).
9. You are met with cold stares while attempting to discuss the latest episode of “The Naked Sopranos” with the Elders.
8. You kind of enjoy “being out among them English Sinners”.
7. You’ve eschewed the traditional Amish beard for a “Mullet”.
6. You continually violate The Ordnung by reading the "Amish Twilight Zone" post outloud at worship.
5. You sew shiny buttons on your shirt in a vain attempt to get shunned.
4. Yours is the only Horse Buggy in Lancaster County aka Intercourse, PA with airbrushed flames on the side.
3. Your Pacifism keeps interfering with your desire to become a Rap Star.
2. You skip Eli Van Dorn’s Barn Raising to watch “Home Improvement” reruns at your Mennonite neighbor’s house.
1. Plain just doesn’t cut it anymore.
THE AMISH TWILIGHT ZONE WILL BE UPDATED ALL WEEKEND
Tis a Blog Marathon Par-Tay!
If you have anything you would like to add, just leave a comment and I will post it through out the weekend. It's a joint effort.
Hosted by Chandabear and Lucy
Jump on the Amish Band Wagon
(err buggy)
Welcome to the Amish Twilight Zone
(put on your 3-D glasses now)
Chandabear and I were discussing our fears one day and we both agreed we were afraid of electricity.
So, we have decided to give up blogging & electricity and join those crazy cats called the Amish.
Actually, we decided on solar powered, battery operated laptops. Let's not get too crazy!
We will be getting fitted for our lovely bonnets any day now.
Chanda said she may have untapped skills of being able to milk a cow???
Apparently Pioneer & Friends have some milking experience also.
I don't have any such skills. I prefer taunting the Amish boys on my scooter with my sexy garb & come hither look.
So, I suggested to her we should work on being The Amish Entertainment, an Amish duo called
"I Wish I Was Amish"
Chanda & I rocking our Amish Ass's off....
(tour dates to be announced shortly)
New Recruits & Members:
Please tell us what skill you will bring to our little branched off Amish community.
Kitcat - Churner Of Thy Sinful Butta
Colo - Driver Of Ye Manless Buggy
Heather - Baker Of Thy Amish Hashish Bread
Me thinkest thou hast been ingesting l tar quas. ties of Amish weed! I am on an Amish holiday this weekend with the (gasp) l wnmower and shovel. Thou wilst have to makest do with temporary rags and dos until I return. May thy hangovers be tame and temporary.
Whit - Trainer Of Ye Horses - aka Amish Mechanic
Girl Preacher - Ye Duct Tape Seamstress & Quilter
Also Preacher to the Crazy Masses of yee
Ashley's Mom - The Highest Honor - Making Of Ye Amish Wine to....... Insure a Good Time!
Godseeker - Ye Necessity - Maker Of Thee Amish Candles So to See Thy Sinners Better at Night Doing the Amish No No ...aghast.
Alas, I've made a safe return from "Ye Golden Arches"! I've brought Big Macs with (extra pickles) for everyone! 
Though I sappose I must speaketh with the Elders before I resume my candle-dipping. I pray that I won't be shunned for leaving my post in search of "Two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles &onions on a sessame seed bun"! 
Scratch - Ye Old Amish Dewormer ????
Rita - Ye Knitter Of Thee Dick Coverings (From Walmart) to Keep thy Men's Thangs Warm in the Winter - Please see Rita to be sized
Moonsilver - Keeper of the Caldron of Spiders, Eye of Newt & Such for Casting Spells on Outsiders
Sharingcher - RN With the "Good Stuff"
(Amish Weed) & Keeper of thy Cattle
Puppy - Dress Maker - Blame Her for the Attire....
HisQueen - Ye Royal Back Scratching Body Slamer & Overseer of Body Shots at Ye Pub
Misty - She has pledged and taken oath to keep the crops healthy and keep the weed (stash) under control.
I hath began the sowing of the Sensimilillianth seed. Thy Amish Country shall beith at peace.
Ice - Ye ol "Judgeship" of course.....
I seek the office of "Justice of the Piece".... as I can be the one to settle disputes and marry you all & make sure you use the correct Amish pick up lines as listed below.
The Prankster - Bush Wacker and..... All That Implies
An honor it is but do I have to sport the ZZ Top look? 
I can get us those hand cranked PCs from India to use, they also got radios and flash lights, no batteries needed. You just shake the device and it derives energy from something inside that moves around and what not. They also have wireless routers with cranks and other Amish tech... 
Mum - Ye Shoe Maker - Who Has the Best View of The Amish Penile?
Belle - Sexpert - aka Dr. Amish Ruthless
The first class will be for the men folk- "How to find it and What to do when you get there"
Kristin - Ye Swatter of Flies, Finder of Nightcrawlers & Chaperon - off the Courting
(I think that I have a chastity belt around here somewhere...)
Notmeg - Ye Town Ditz - Not to be confused with the Village Idiot
Kelly J. - Ye Mid-wife and Ye-Step-In-Wife, when Amish Wife is not in the mood.
She will help to deliver the dozen or so babies that they each have! And keep thy Amish Men Happy !
I want to be the SENIOR midwife! I will send the junior midwives out on the night time deliveries. I am not interested in working at night anymore, unless under the quilts. So, after sundown, if they want a midwife, they had better turn that buggy around and head on down the road to the junior midwives place!
Lover2 - Ye Teacher of the Seldom Sex, but always manages to Procreate !
Giwlegs - I Will Be Ye Lighthouse Keeper!
Psssst....We will indulge Gloria with this request, since we are inland and have no electricity to LIGHT THE LIGHTHOUSE.
I think this so called "light house" is a "front" for some frowned upon un-Amish like activ ties.
I will check it out, report and of course will not indulge.......wink, wink
Captain Morgan - Although Marc is keeper of thy communications and valley, he requires an expert to consult and thy Captain was 1st choice.
Chief Engineer he shall assume.
Please address him as - "Chief Inventor Of All Things Amish"
Words from the captain:
"Raise your hands to the skies and give me a big AMEN! (oops.... I sorta slid into a gospel thing......I'm listening to a gospelesque kind of tune called "Got Them Red Hot Skillet-Lick'n Blues") But I digress.
Listen closely all my Amish Nippersinkers...... Captain Morgan has devised an entirely self-contained form of electrification without the electricity! Amazing, but true. All lamps will now be powered by the magic of methane. All cooking will occur with the magic of methane. Ain't science grand??? Once more, from the bowels of Captain Morgan's Workshop....(where else would methane come from??)"
ChandaBear:
There you have it my amish friends. Farting permitted only when the captain has assembled his contraption device and hooked to thy butts. Please make your appointment as soon as possible. We can't be wasting gas (especially in this day and age)
Jana - Thy keeper of the house of ill repute
Biggie-T - Ye Pig Slayer & Raiser of ye Barn
aka Par-Tay Planner
Uh, oh, looks like Biggie-T is in some serious trouble!
AMISH TWILIGHT ZONE PUBLIC LIBRARY OVERDUE NOTICES
Listings in bold have been designated as significantly overdue, and have been sent to our collections department. Click here to resolve your account.
| Name |
Book Title/s |
Due Date |
Fine |
|
|
|
|
|
| T, Biggie |
Impressive Toilet Seats
Instructional: Coloring Between the Lines
Scratch 'n Sniff - Molds |
1-28-2002
3-14-2002
9-28-2002 |
$15.38
$12.40
$5.25 |
Biggie - Hey...I returned those!!!!
I did forget to return my copies of "Milkmaids Gone Wild" and, though, teets and ass!
Lucy - Uh, is this approved reading material T ???
Marc - Ye Old Keeper Of The Canyon- Watchdog Of Our New Cultish Amish, Wine Drinking, Battery Powered, Laptop Community
Marc's Oath:
I will be happy to watch over, and maybe even enter, all the canyons and gorgeses. I will dutifully ensure that no electricity makes it past my post.
I must also burden myself with one other task, and that is to find an alternative to electricity. We will need something (I may need slaves) to generate the power to operate our blogstream, make guitars loud enough to feel in the back row and a way to power my security screening machines so that no batteries or other electrical equipment is smuggled into our land! ...batteries are considered electricity or they not
?..
Marc's Slaves
(we still need more recruits)
Tis to generate thy energy.....
Only Requirements: Must be good looking
Buffalo Rob - Our first Volunteer Slave, an oxymoron perhaps?
Marc - I think I have located my assistants. Our power stations will be driven by multi-bicycle stations manned by the boyz in da 'hood - yo. It was purely by accident that I came upon this glorious method!
GirlPreacher on Electricity:
Greetings, bretheren!
I bring thee glad tidings.
Ye know our fears, that we would have to leave behind our blogging community as a result of turning our backs on electricity.
Happy was I when I discovered that I may create my own electricity and thus, could run my computer without hooking into the powergrid.
Simply, I with my make believe Amish husband Jeddediah, constructed a large "hamster wheel" which I then hooked up to the computer. Then, I instructed my dog, Motown, to get inside and begin running. Thus, we have energy.
I bid ye, bretheren, to try this method by which we may continue to converse.
Shree' & Baby's Ye Little Shop O' Amish Lovin'
THE AMISH BUILD A LAPTOP!
We all know the Amish don't use electricity, and they don't have phones, or anything to do with modern technology. But if you do a search on the web for "Amish", you will find a ton of Amish web sites.
Hmmm....
How are they getting on the Internet?
Up until now that was a mystery...
Well, we wanted to know, so we sent a secret agent into the AMISH TECHNOLOGY RESOURCE CENTER located in a remote underground bunker in:
Intercourse, Pennsylvania...
What he found shocked us... and now we bring his findings directly to you...
THE FIRST WORKING AMISH LAPTOP COMPUTER!!!!
Well... OK... so it's not exactly what we would call a computer....but it's the most advanced abacus in history!
Using ultra-low tech as. que equipment the Amish have actually built a portable "computer" that is capable of accessing the Internet!
Features:
13 x 6 Bead Resolution
78 RAB (Random Access Bead) Memory
All wood construction
Chalk & slate based
Input Holders for slate, chalk, charcoal and stylus
1 Chicken Power Supply Built-in Modem
Ye Offical Amish Pickup Lines:
Please Memorize for Courting Purposes .....you will be tested by Ice.
Are thee at barn-raisings often?
If our religion didn't forbid the use of telephones, I would ask thee for thy number.
Can I buy thee a buttermilk colada?
You've really got the build for that plain bonnet and shapeless black dress.
Say, my favorite movie is Witness, too!
Art thee a model?
There are so many phonies at these quilting bees.
Are thee up for some plowing.....?
Prairie Prankster - I would offer my plowing services to thine who needeth such servicing...as well as follow-up visitations to tend the bushes. Verily.
Kitcat - Prank, you need thy husbands permission to tend my bushes...but if he says it ok then tend away...god speed...
Prankster - I shall haveth my bush clippers and special plow tool ready, Kitcat!
KitCat - oh bush trimmer.....I will meet you at dawn..please help 
Prank - yeseth, churneth whilst facing the northwest at Dawn to cast out thine Heathen demons whilst I trimeth the sacred bush! assuredly before Satan rises!
Additional Amish pick up lines submitted by Scratch:
Your Haystacketh or Mine ?
(Me thinketh I'm starting to writeth with a stuttereth.)
Some Not-So Final thoughts....
by KitCat
God be with yall alleth....my trusted cult...no not cult...did I sayeth that...no....meet me at dawn and cast out that demon...I will look northwest or which ever directioneth you giveth...please help me...I want not to be a sinful butta churner anymore....
TO CHANDA...
My New Creative Blog Friend & PIC (partner in crime)
Chandabear, many thanks for your creativity and dedication to our new branched off Amish Community....we did this for 2 long days, going on 3 plus!
For those who do not know, Chanda did ALL the wonderful pictures for two days now.
Love ya Girl, you rock, and you made this an Awesome Amish Experience.....xxxxxxx
It all started with our fear of electricity but we have overcome, came, cum???
Oh Dang!
Ye Amish Nascar
(Driver - Biggie-T)
Ye Amish Airlines
(Named Flight # 69 by Marc ye pilot - As Amish we don't know what 69 implies)
"HOT AMISH BUNS" - Ye Old Tavern Grand Opening
Proprietor - River Rat
I will be hiring some local Amish men to be the waiters of my pub. They will be required to dress in black g-strings with a Amish blue bow tie...
All the girls will be saying, hey let's go over to Hot Amish Buns and see the guys.
I will also be renting strippers & dancers for barn raising parties & quilting bees.
Please apply by leaving your qualifications as a comment.
Please not thy pub will alos offer cab services..for any Amish person needing a ride, who is too intoxicated to drive ye horse and buggy
( this is good for all my realitives who are still non-Amish, I can hire them to work as cab drivers of ye drunk folk )
Announcing:
We will be partying like it's 1699 with the Amish Rap Group - "I WISH I WAS AMISH", starring Chandabear & Lucy tomorrow evening.
Noted Concerns of Ye River Rat on Amish Living:
1. Blending in can be a problem If your trying to find someone in the croud. it might take a while..
2. It would be hard to identify a person in a police line up...all Amish would look the same leaving the scene of a crime.
3. There will be times when the horse gets spooked, seat belts are not required for buggys..so be ready for anything.
4. If you need help, better have a Lassie Dog, or be able to yell real loud.
5. Hats are like underwear..always on.
6. No coming up from behind and touching..all amish men & women look the same from behind..
7. If a spouse decided to cheat on you..how would you catch him/her?? they would look like every other couple leaving the building.. #8....Always remember..a non Amish person can drive you anywhere...it's okay to "ride" in cars as long as you're not driving.
Kelly J Issues a stern WARNING:
What does an Amish drive by shooting sound like???????
clippity cloppity, clippity cloppity, BANG, clippity cloppity, clippity cloppity, BANG, clippity cloppity, clippity cloppity, Bang, clippity cloppity..........
Required Amish Reading: 
by Kelly J.
Church: Attend and sit in your own PU.
Sex: Everything you wanted to know about in between the sheeps.
Children: Spare the rod and bear no more!
Dowries: How to get thine daughters hitched up real fast.
Mein sheep, mein lover, mein friend.
Our hats cover bad hair days and other secrets of Amish clothing.
Plain tones, not plain clones!
How to effectively deal with your horsepower emissions.
Tips for a successful barn raising without serving spirits and pizza.
Amish boys dating guide: Be less sheepish and you will find it’s not so baaa..aad
A Premium Ice Block House: The essential step to a successful Snow Cone business.
How to avoid being a Plain in the assinine sense
Here Ye, Here Ye !!
In Celebration of our 400th Comment
Chanda would like to address thy masses:
As we Amish like to sing...we gonna' partay like it's 1699.
Biggie T. Raise thy barn, gather thy swine.
AM- Uncork thy best you brewed.
Misty- Well, start grabbing the buds.
Where is thy ICE? We must anoint this occasion.
Marc- You have kept us all in communication and kept the valley safe. You rock !
Colo- Lovely Colo would you mind brining the buggy around?
We will to find Whit to get thy horses going.
Kitcat- Churn thy sinful butta' for they special occassion, if you would be so kind.
Heather- Thy wine needs some hash bread to complete this joyous occassion.
GirlPReacher- Pull your reserve of duct tape- we gonna' need it here.
Godseeker- Please bring thy finest of candles. Wine and bread amongst friends and candelite is thy grandest.
Scratch- I shall trust you have dewormed?
Rita- Please bring thy colorfulest dick warmers- I have a feeling we may need them.
Moonsilver- Is your eye of newt ready?
Sharingcher- Please leave the cattle alone for a moment- come sit drink, eat and be merry
Puppy- Thanks lovely for the beautiful attire for such a joyous occassion.
His Queen! - How could we have made it without you? Please sit and we will scratch your back for a while.
Prankster- Throw ole' bushey in the fire- let's get this party really started.
Mum- Beautiful shoes. You have outdone yourself!
Belle- Your expertise in sex has grown this community faster than a rabbit farm could have grown. Thanks for the advice.
Kristin- You have kept the flies away and the girls honest. What would we have done without you?
Notmeg- You bring us up when we are down (even though you don't realize you are being silly).
Kelly- Good thing we have you! WIth all the advice Belle is handing out you have your hands full!
Lover2- With Belle around, you too have your hands full. Nice job!
Giwlegs- You have lit the way for so many. You are the light at the end of the tunnel.
Captain- Thanks for putting on some pants for this occassion. It's okay you can take 'em off in a minute.
Jana- Welcome aboard! Our newest (and most important) recruit!
Buffalo Rob- You alone kept the energy up. You make a great slave.
Last is a big thanks to thy Lucy for your hospitality, generosity and hard work. You da' bomb.
I think I covered everyone....if I missed you please see Godseeker for some hot candle wax. I take punishment well.
And thank you Chandabear, who tirelessly kept this going for 3 days now....you rock with your creativity and sense of humor. Love ya! xxx
Who's in charge of the caldron and the fire pit? I need me a rip roaring fire for this one, Brothers and Sistas! 
~~~ Hugs, Rita
. Lucy, River is good with the icon....
~~~ Sisterly Hugs, Rita B
~~~ Hugs, Rita
