It’s this gurgling penis pump sitting next to me on the couch.  It’s nothing to worry about; I’m sure I’ll adjust soon.

 I do apologize for that!  Damn gnomes keep dragging it up here to the Wheelhouse.  They love to use it to inflate their new anatomically correct female blow-up dolls.
Anyway, now that we’re underway I’ve just gotta comment on the size of the seabag you brought aboard.  Anything good to eat in it?

 I left out the stuff from chicken butts out of respect for you but I did whip up some biscuits and gravy!  A LOT of biscuits and gravy.  How IS your cholesterol level these days Capt’n?

 Too damn low!  This should help immensely!  Oh!             I s’pose I should apologize for my gnomes.  I understand they were procreating rather enthusiastically in your yard last night.  I hope they didn’t wake you and the Buffalo Man.

 The gnomes were fine.  Lets talk about the noise from YOUR bedroom.... ohhhh wait!  Let’s not.  You didn’t hear anything from our tent, did you?  Wait!  I don’t want to know that either.

 I say we admit to nothing and DEMAND proof!  That usually works.  And as long as we’re sail’n with no particular destination in mind, what port would ya like to put into?

 I don’t like water, Captain.  An ocean’s nothing more than shark soup......a sea of shark soup. Can we choose a destination other than a port? How’s about a mountain top?

 Actually shark soup’s not bad.  But your wish is my command.  We’re off to the top of Mt. St. Helens.  I understand you do a fair amount of travell’n yourself.  Any favorite cities come to mind?

 I’d say San Francisco and Budapest.....okay and New York City. I like Boulder, CO and Atlanta. Oh hell! (Yikes! Can I say that here?) Just give me a city with public transportation, good food and cool stuff to look at and I’m happy. Or maybe just set up camp in Harstel, CO. It’s the home of the “Hateful Old Bitch Saloon”, right in the heart of river fishing, beer drinking and South Park.

We interupt the Blogger Inquirer interview for a

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

 My curiousity’s jump’n around in my head like a fart in a skillet. Tell me more about your friend, Ron. This reverend stuff sounds damn interesting to me. I might want to resurrect the character of Reverend Jim from the old Taxi televison series.

 Please, Captain!  While I’m tolerating the gurgling penis pump here on your sofa, would you mind NOT farting?

Actually, Ron hooked me up to be a minister too. If you’re in need of marrying or burying look no further.....I am your skinny, white girl for the job!  The only downfall is I have found the “clergy” parking pass (included in the $50 package) isn’t worth a hill of beans when seeking prime parking at hockey games. 

And the Reverend Jim....Oh gawd!  That was funny stuff!  The episode when he went to take the drivers license test was the best......s-l-o-w.....d-o-w-n.

 Speaking of odd religions and worlds lost and found, tell me Chanda, why’d you start blogging.

(And I’m damn glad you did!  Love reading your posts.)

 Captain, a compliment like that coming from you means the world. Glad you like my jacked sense of humor.  Biggie T at the Doghouse got me blogging after a night of partying....I kept standing on this bucket of drywall mud that we used for a door stop. It was a heated discussion about.....well now I don’t remember, but I tell you, it WAS heated.  I was shorter than everyone, so it seemed appropriate to step up and get eye level.  They coined the term “step up on your drywall mud” and Biggie T felt I needed to tell the whole world my senseless crap....thus my blogging was born.  I love posting about true but crazy stuff in our ‘hood and things that just come to mind.  What a brain dump this serves to be.

 Now! Lets say we’re in port and skullking around together.  We discover an old, abandoned house.  Would you go inside?

 Oh yeah! Once inside I’d be a big bag of chicken shit, though......ghosts and serial killers live in abandoned houses you know. You would be there to protect me, right?

 What was the question again? Oh!  Protection. Yes!  I’m definitely for it.

Okay, now what if we found an antique steamer trunk in the attic.  What d’ya suppose we’d find in it?  And if you say “dead body” I’m gonna shit my pants.

 Some bones would be cool. Or maybe the answers to life.....not sure if I want those though....the answers to life, that is.

 I’m giddy with excitement! Now!  The contents of the trunk turn out to be way valuable and we split the profits and acquire one million dollars each. What would you do with your share of the money?

 One million dollars doesn’t go so far today.  I would pay off all our bills, build a greenhouse and dig that Japanese Garden and Coi Pond (Rob would REALLY like that)..... Wait!  I have to put up a fence so no one would see us and ask for cigs.  Then I would watch my new rain buckets fill with water and learn as much as I can.....that’s what I’d do with my day.  Maybe hook my grandparents up with some Cripple Creek gambling money and make sure my sisters and stepson can go to college.... We’ll see how much my ejumacation is gonna cost.

 I haven’t told anyone but I have a magical telescope that allows me to see into the future.  It’s not entirely accurate.  Damn gnomes are forever fiddling with the knobs.  What the hell.  I like fiddling with knobs too, so I s’pose it’s sorta genetic in an odd way, but I digress.

It appears that you and the Buffalo Man will be considering relocating in three years.  Any thoughts on where it might be to? 

 I see Atlanta in our future but one never knows.  I can set up camp anywhere... just depends on where the jobs take us.

 I’m considering reviving the original Doo Dah Parade.  If I do it will CERTAINLY have to include the amazing Marching Lawn Mower Brigade, of which I am a charter member.  Should I have the good fortune of doing so, would you consider joining the Brigade? You would have to supply your own lawnmower, of course.

 Oh my gawd!!!  You’re the FOUNDER of the Doo Dah Parade? I can’t believe it. I can’t answer this question. I need a cool rag on my head to calm the excitement.

 Wow! You ARE all atwitter! Here....breathe into this bag and listen as I explain.  No....I’m not the founder of the Doo Dah Parade (though I’d dearly love to lay claim to that amazing undertaking.) I’m a charter member of the Marching Lawn Mower Brigade, which was very much and still may be a real highlight of the Doo Dah Parade.

 Sorry, Captain.  I heard revival and DooDah Parade......well....I didn’t hear anything after that.  I got a little too excited, as you can see.  Thanks for the bag.  I think we’ve determined that OF COURSE I’d be part of the Marching Lawn Mower Brigade.. But I’m not allowed to have sharp things in my possession. (Don’t ask.) Would you mind disassembling the mower blades for me?

 Not to worry, Chanda.  I’ve already factored in that you’re not allowed near sharp objects.  It just so happens the old Captain’s afflicted with the same malady.  So I’ve devised a wondrous adaption. You’ll notice that these lawnmower blades are made of latex rubber. 

Okay, now lets get a bit esoteric. I love to get esoteric now and then.  Don’t you?

 That is life though, isn’t it?

 Indeed it is. There’s not a day goes by I don’t feel positively esoteric!  But I digress.

Of your six senses, which do you value the most?

 Uh, the sixth one. But Buffalo Rob says I have too many tastebuds...which number is that one? I always forget the numbers of the five food groups and the five senses.  Maybe I’ll change my answers if you number the senses one to five.

 Too late. Surrender your taste buds! 

Now. Onward and upward. Assuming my theory’s correct and we’re all old souls migrating from one lifetime to the next and assuming you could choose to move instantly to the past or the future, which would you choose and why?

 I’d certainly go forward.  I already (pseudo) learned the crap from the last many lives. I’d like to put to use the information I’ve gained and reach enlightenment.  Was that too deep?

 Not at all. Delightfully profound is how I’d characterize your response. 

Now lets play Lets Make A Deal. I’ve acquired a used, but still functional mechanical bull. What would you trade me for it?

 I don’t get it.....trade you or the bull?  And for what?  My right toe?

 H’mmmm.  Well....trade me and I’ll give you bull....I mean THE bull.  Wait! T oes???  Eureka!  I know a guy down the street with a foot fetish!  Oh my!  This could be big!  REALLY BIG!

 * struggling to regain my composure*

Okay..... lets mooove on to the next question.  If you were granted three wishes, what would they be?

 This question sucks!  If you’re my genie to deliver, I’ll answer. Otherwise ...bugger off!

*insert smiley dude here....and heart*

 Of COURSE it’s me granting the wishes. But I must warn ya. My wish granting capabilities have been runnning thoroughly amuck recently.  Meanwhile, you got any thoughts on the demise of Pluto?

 Surprisingly, I have.  I feel we’ve failed this poor planet for many moons (pun NOT intended).  Sitting out there in the cold with no mitts or muffs.  Then we downgrade his/her ass.  I’d be happy to hear Pluto’s wandered about and set up camp in a new solar system that appreciates his/her attributes.  Like seeing your child off to college.

 If you had a choice between being able to fly or make yourself invisible at will, which would you choose?

 This question sucks too! I want both!

 Who are the five bloggers you’d most like to meet in person and why?

 I knew this was coming.  I’ve thought about it while brushing my teeth these days.  Since others cheat in the couples listing....I’ll not rise above.

CAPTAIN and CHEY (and I now pronounce her name correctly)...real people, down to earth and I think we’d have some great conversations.

PRANK and MISS SIX.....this comes with conditions, mind you.  If things get too hot you MUST get a room.  Please!

KRISTIN, who I find witty, funny and smart.

MISTY.  She’s sarcastic, smart and funny.  I love her twisted sense of humor.

WHIT, because he’s both elusive and brilliant.

RE KNOWLTON because he’s a brilliant writer and manipulates words with style.

Oh!  And ZAPPA FAN.  I imagine he just might also be a hippie with punk rock tendencies.  I may be wrong....but his wife makes a cool ass wedding cake!

Wait!  There’s one more....ZWEB USA.  Another pocket-protector wearing person with some coolness on the outside.

 Sheesh!  You shot that response past the mark by three. Okay.....one last question: What music’s in your CD player or music devices right now?

 I just took stuff out cuz we don’t really listen to CD’s these days.  Rhapsody, baby!  Talking Heads “More Songs About Buildings and Food” and Tom Waits “Blue Valentine” are the most recent flat things in our contraption.

 Wow Chanda, this’s been enlightening and thoroughly enjoyable.  Now lets get the hell down off this mountain top.  I failed to mention we’re sitting on top of a LIVE volcano!