SMART ASS QUIZ # 5

ARE YOU A SMART ASS?

CLICK HERE AND FIND OUT !

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VICTORIA !

Click HERE to wish her a wonderful day...

---

Meet Me Between The CoversISSUE 6

"A Forum For Published Bloggers" ...

If you are looking for a stocking stuffer for Christmas look no further...check out Bob Holt's book !

It's hysterical !!!

Contact Bob to order ..

Click HERE

---

"Bob is a deranged human being and my absolute closest personal friend." - DAVE BARRY, Pulitzer Prize winner, nationally syndicated columnist and author.

---

I've written attempted humor columns for The Philadelphia Inquirer, Press of Atlantic City, Gloucester County Times, and Courier Post from the New Jersey area. My major influences are Dave Barry, Andy Borowitz, Tony Kornheiser, and of course George Costanza, who once said, "It's not a lie if YOU believe it."

Birth Place: Wenonah, NJ USA

Accomplishments: The people from the Pulitzer Prize committee appear to have lost my address again this year. Believe me, they'll pay.

---

In recent years we have seen conditions continue to change in regard to our country's position in the world situation. We have constantly been updating our homeland security procedures in order to preserve the current quality of life as we know it.

But an even greater threat to society has been walking around right underneath our noses for a large number of years now. And that is the continued proliferation of stupid people.

For the longest time, most of us were going around minding our own business when it began to happen. Someone invented the Hokey Pokey, new Coke, and the Segway scooter. The filmmakers thought of Gigli and Alexander, and we were fortunate enough to meet Pauly Shore and Michael Dukakis. I have written this book as a public service for the average citizen who is forced to deal with this kind of stupidity on a daily basis.

Almost everyone overlooks the vast number of stupid individuals who are actually in circulation amidst the general public. The non-stupid population always underestimates the damaging power of a stupid person. And stupid people become even more dangerous when they try to concoct inventions or ideas which might improve their living situation. Some even go as far as trying to selling books. These people will cause pain, anguish, and considerable annoyance for innocent citizens without even realizing that they have driven the last 2 3/4 miles with their left turn signal on.

There are others who you may think are stupid, but their ideas prey on the stupidity of others with items like the Pet Rock, or selling grilled cheese sandwiches that look like the Virgin Mary on E-bay.

This book will impart stories of stupidity running rampant in everyday situations, on holidays, and on the airwaves.

---

One of the greatest threats to American culture has been right underneath our noses for many years now.  No, not terrorism.  It is the continued rise in the numbers of stupid people.  If you''re concerned about where you fall on the national stupidity color alert chart, you can take this little quiz to determine whether or not you''re stupid:

1.) You go to a local store, which is five blocks down on the left on a busy street. You put on your turn signal:

A) After the third block

B) After the fourth block

C) After you turn on the ignition

D) What''s a turn signal?

2.) You''ve just taken a job as a telemarketer. You:

A) Accepted it temporarily until you can find something better.

B) Are looking to expand your horizons by getting in on the ground floor of a company which will allow you to increase your previous earning potential threefold by doing something you enjoy, communicating with people, usually around dinnertime.

C) Just got fired at Wendy''s.

D) Didn''t see any job openings with Big, Fat, Obnoxious TV shows.

3.) You''re going to the supermarket. You forget the brand of chicken your wife told you to pick up because it was on sale. You:

A) Think about it a little harder, because you are sensitive enough to commit all of your wife''s favorite interests to memory.

B) Purchase a reasonably priced alternative.

C) Buy some extra pretzels instead, to go with all the beer you have at home.

D) Be sure and bring your cellular phone so you can call her from the poultry aisle while you have your shopping cart turned sideways in the center of therow, thereby tying up the aisle to hordes of shoppers who are approaching from both directions.

---

LINKS :

Poetry Deck the Malls (Christmas 2004) by Bob Holt What we have here is an update of an earlier effort I made at Elementary Sandbox Poetry 101. With sincerest apologies to the outstanding poets I've met here at the Den, this is a tale of one heathen's...

Articles Origin of the Attack Ad by Bob Holt Simply put: I can't wait until Wednesday gets here.... Defeating Our Oil Demon by Bob Holt We''ve been told that the country is addicted to oil. Gas prices are coming down, so have we recovered? Relapse is scheduled for the day after elections.... After the Fall by Bob Holt A few friends have given me the privilege of working at a local tribute to our fallen soldiers on Saturday, September 9. I realize that a lot, or perhaps all of you don't know these people and wi... Let's Reckon Who's Truly Non-Essential by Bob Holt This work appeared on 7/20 in The Philadelphia Inquirer not long after the end of the New Jersey government shutdown.... Vacations: Not Always Kodak Moments by Bob Holt There are plenty of places to go and things to do for your summer vacation. You won't have to worry about traffic.... Financial Security After Graduation by Bob Holt A graduate from the old school has acid reflux flashbacks to a time when his state had money.... A Sleep Expert Needs a Nap by Bob Holt As a sleepy older individual, I say we set the clocks back an hour every other week. We may not save any more daylight, but I'll feel better.... Income Tax Returns For Creative People by Bob Holt Creativity always comes alive every year around April 15th.... Answers to Mediocre Questions by Bob Holt I saw "Answers to Life's 25 Toughest Questions" in Reader's Digest recently, and I wanted to help, too. Granted, I can't handle the truth.... Cartoons Were More Fun When They Were Funny by Bob Holt There used to be a time when cartoons were used to find humor and make people laugh. Honest. ... The New Vulture Culture by Bob Holt In South Jersey, they''re celebrating their favorite feathered friends, for some reason. And they don''t even need a scoop.... We Love Christmas in July by Bob Holt The holidays are over- or are they? Time to pick up a new La-Z-Boy for Presidents Day!... Memoirs of a Goofball by Bob Holt Short and simple, tell the truth in your writing, and don't mess with Oprah.... Career Advancement in Five Days or Less by Bob Holt You might want to start 2006 by taking a look at your so-called "career choice."... 2005: Dropping The Ball Again by Bob Holt Let's take a trip down Memory Lane through 2005, and see who took a left turn before hitting Desolation Boulevard.... I Saw Mommy Suing Santa Claus by Bob Holt The "War on Christmas" has been a battle for more than a few years now.... Christmas Gifts Which Promise Many Happy Returns by Bob Holt This is a guide to really "special" Christmas gifts you can actually find across the country and around the globe. Usually in recycling bins.... Greeting Cards For All Occasions by Bob Holt They have friendly (and some not) greeting cards for more occasions than just holidays these days.... Shocking News About Coffee by Bob Holt Coffee: Good with any of your favorite food groups.... Brightening Our Spirits by Bob Holt Halloween approaches, and sometimes the freaks come out in the daytime.... Oily Oil Executives by Bob Holt Just how much money do the oil companies want? By the way, I have a price.... He Can Hear Music-But Not You by Bob Holt Guys don''t intentionally ignore the ladies- honest. But there''s a reason. They''re jerks.... A Series of Commercials by Bob Holt Watching television during the dog days of summer can make all of the commercials run together.... The Benefits of Aging by Bob Holt A complete breakdown of how the new Social Security ideas would affect various age groups. Either that, or a complete mental breakdown. I'm not sure which.... Birth of a Nation: Live on ESPN by Bob Holt This year on the Fourth of July some people are eating hot dogs in Coney Island, while others are renting a copy of the video, "Independence Day."...

---

 

 

 

 

 

 

MARY ELIZABETH of 'The Restoration of Me'

INTERVIEWS

 

MR. ORNERY of 'Mr. Ornery's Corner'

 

 

What perfect timing....guess who's birthday it is?

It's Mr. Ornery's !!

 

Hey Ornery, what's up?  Thanks for agreeing to this.  However, I must say that this is a rather unique location for an interview.

---

You know me, Mary Elizabeth, I'm the 'Never-Ready Bunny'. 

And by the way, not many women have been bold enough to venture inside my Turdis.

 

What can I say, I'm a brave woman. 

Anyway, we all know WHO you are so let's start with WHERE you are?

---

I now call New Zealand home, or at least where I live.

 

How did you ever end up in New Zealand? 

You're a born and bred New Yorker, aren't you?

---

I was born and raised in New York State, true enough.

I ended up here because I married a Kiwi Lady.

  

 

 

Do you miss the USA?  What do you miss the most? 

And what about your (not so new) home?  What's cool about it and how long have you been living there?

---

I think more than anything I miss seeing my parents. They're well up in years.  My mom turns 80 next month.

 

'MOM AND DAD ORNERY'

 

It's strange, but what I miss most is the knowledge that there's a huge, wide-open country there.  Here, you go far in any direction and there's water.  At the same time, New Zealand has about as diverse a landscape and climate as you could imagine.

 

The Lord of the Rings trilogy was filmed here, along with several other movies and the older Hercules and Xena tv shows, mainly because of the diverse elements.

 

  

 

I've been here six years and always told folks it was my extreme reaction to Bush being elected President. I always wondered what the NZ government would do if I sought political asylum.

 

 

How's the weather in New Zealand right now?

Don't I remember something about you taking cold showers?

---

The weather now is turning warmer because we're into spring, meaning 'lesser winter' here.

And the showers weren't cold (no need for that - at least at present). It was the bathroom. 

For settlers in a city this far south, with penguins for neighbors, you'd think they'd consider insulation and central heating,              but no-o-o.  So showering in winter is somewhat akin to the Native American ritual of sitting in a steam lodge and then plunging out into the snow.

Only colder.

 

Speaking about showers.  Do you put those things that you call "slippers" on when you get out of the shower? 

What else does Ornery step into when he steps out of the shower ?

---

I favor the 'Dilbert' when he worked from home 'look' whenever I'm around the house. 

Well-worn dark blue bathrobe and yes, those slippers.

(this is a 'scratch & sniff')

 

Just exactly how old are those things? 

Do they have names and where in the world (or the universe) did you get them from?

---

I believe carbon dating has put the origin of my slippers at somewhere around the year 400 B.C. 

They are referred to around the house in rather fearful tones only as 'THE SLIPPERS'. 

I can't say for certain, but they may simply have devolved from some higher form of apparel.

 

What would you do if the woman of your dreams told you that she would stay with you and love you forever, the only thing she would ask of you is that you get rid of those slippers. 

What would you do?

---

Boy, talk about a tough choice! 

My slippers have been with me through thick and a whole lotta thin. 

On the other hand - or foot- could you be more specific about this woman?

 

Hmmm, we'll just let that one pass.....

How about we talk about your home life.  I understand it's just you and your son, correct? 

Any animals? 

And what about that plant that you've talked about, is that thing beginning to grow again?  Does it have a name?

---

The household now is comprised of my son, two of his young adult friends, me, and 'The Cat Who Lives Here' - mostly outside, except in foul weather.

 

           

 

The lily plant that used to guard the front entrance got chopped down, but we expect it to re-grow in time to attack the next unwary religious proselytizer.

For reasons unknown, "Audrey Too Much" seemed to have a fondness for Mormons.

 

 

You can tell I'm big on names, huh?  I'm probably just making up for my lack of one...you got a nickname for me?

How about Orney, is that a nickname? Any other names you have that you can tell us about?

---

---

When I was a kid, other kids used to call me 'Toothpick' and       'Four-eyes'.

 

 

In the marine Corps, a D.I. said I looked like a number 9 with my big shaved head and scrawny physique.

 

                          

 

A nickname for you? Only away from the public eye.  How's that for discreet?

 

 

Good answer. 

Let's move on, then tell me, can you cook and if so what's your specialty?  Do you take special orders?

---

Several years ago, I could burn water.  Then my mom sent me a cookbook, possibly fearing I might venture unescorted into the kitchen during their visit, and it was off to the races. 

 

My favorite meal is probably home-made stuffed pita bread. I make the pita bread myself and stuff them with a rice, meat & veggie combo.

 

 

 

OK, now I'm just remembering you're also a day ahead of us, correct?  So our Saturday is your Sunday ?

What's a typical weekend like for you?  What do you do?

---

We're 18 hours ahead of the East Coast - United States and 21 hours ahead of the Pacific Coast; meaning the closer you get to us geographically, the further away you are in time.

Since I work Saturdays as part of my regular schedule, my weekends are actually Sunday and Monday. 

 

 

Those days I like to contemplate just how much weirder the real world is than it is on the world of our small psych unit.

 

           

 

And blogging, of course.

 

 

 

Now for the big questions...your BLOG!!!  

 

 

Tell me why you first started blogging. 

 What do you love about it and what you hate about it?

---

I've always loved writing and a friend recommended blogging as a creative outlet.

 

What I really love is the interactions I can get into with folks who leave comments and the way the comments can take on a life of their own.

 

 

The second part of your question would take more time than space permits to answer. 

 Let's just say my personal philosophy is 'do unto others' and I have always tried to leave only supportive or (hopefully) humorous comments.

 

 

Now I know you've had lots of people ask you about your imagination.  What's up with that Ornery?  Where the heck did you get it from !?

You've talked about some guys running around in your head but seriously where do you get your material from? Do those guys have names?

 

 

OK, I'll stop
(couldn't help myself...wink wink nod nod).

---

I'm not positive, but I believe either my ex-father-in-law or ex-wife first tagged me 'ornery', but with the Kentucky pronunciation 'on'ry.'

As to how my mind works, I sort of pictured it as a connect-the-dots where I draw lines at random. 

 

 

Although Fuzzy has said he pictures my thought process as sort of a Rube Goldberg device, which is fairly accurate.

 

 

Talk a little bit about 'Dr. Oh', that lovable character that seems to have a reoccurring story line on your Blog. 

 Seems like he has quite a few sidekicks, is that a good or a bad thing?

---

He has three sidekicks at present, but I'm thinking after the present
misadventure, I'll sidekick a couple of 'em out.

 It can get unweildy at times.

 

If 'Dr. Oh' could say one thing to the Bloggers of Blogstream what would he say?

---

Probably, 'Wouldn't you like to ri-i-i-de in my beautiful Turdis ...?'

 

 

Did you know that they were coming out with a new Dr. Who series?

---

Yes, I did.  As a matter of fact, it's the latest incarnation in a series that dates back decades and they've televised it here.

 

OK now, tell us the truth, do you have an outhouse in your back
yard?...LOL.

 

How about a TURDIS?

 

---

Nope.  No outhouse, but I do have a compost heap with a red-flowering weed growing out of it.

 

(Editor's note...this is a public service annnouncement)

 

The Turdis is but a figment of my rather strange imagination.

 

If you could travel through time and space WHERE and WHEN would you go?  WHAT would you do and WHO would you meet?

 

---

That is a tough set of questions, but I've always been fascinated with the 'Old West' and a man by the name of Jim Bridger; one of the earliest caucasian mountain men/trappers.

 

 

Tell us 5 CDs, or in your case eight track cassettes, that you're
currently listening to?

---

Okay, you've caught me up short on this one.  Somewhere I do have Otis Redding, one by B.B. King, a Kenny Rogers CD someone gave me, a New Zealand Band called Salmonella Dub, and Simon and Garfunkle's Greatest Hits.

    

   

 

If you could meet 5 people from the Stream who would they be and what would you talk about with them?

---

Five? ONLY five?

Let's see, YOU, of course:

 

PRISONER OF HOPE

 

SCRATCH

 

FUZZY

 

ACE DECKER

 

SHERRY'S CHERRIES

 

LUCY

 

PRETTY RUBBLE

 

 

Heck with it!  Let's just have a big ol' party and talk about whatever!

 

 

(Editor's note, each blogger name above also serves as a link to their post)

 

Thanks for the interview Ornery, it's been a hoot.

Any closing thoughts?

---

Stay positive, everyone.

Please.

 

 

 

 

ARCHIVES

Click on any of the articles below and that will bring you to the post page & interview.

LUCY INTERVIEWS PEACHY - May 2 - Issue # 1

PEACHY INTERVIEWS PRANK - May 28 - Issue # 2

PRANK INTERVIEWS SIX - June 4 - Issue # 3

 

SIX INTERVIEWS BIGGIE T - June 18 - Issue # 4

 

BELLE INTERVIEWS RANDY - July 9 - Issue # 5

 

ICE INTERVIEWS COLO - July 16 - Issue # 6

 

COLO INTERVIEWS DAISY - July 23 - Issue # 7

 

DAISY INTERVIEWS PUPPY - July 30 - Issue # 8

 

PUPPY INTERVIEWS SCRATCH - Aug 6 - Issue # 9

 

RANDY INTERVIEWS KRISTIN - Aug 13 - Issue # 10

 

KRISTIN INTERVIEWS MR. HAPPY - Aug 27 - Issue # 11

 

RE KNOWLTON III INTERVIEWS MOKIE JOE - Sept 3 - Issue # 12

 

MOKIE JOE INTERVIEWS RE KNOWLTON III - Sept 10 - Issue # 13

 

MR HAPPY INTERVIEWS CAPTAIN MORGAN - Sept 18 - Issue # 14

 

CAPTAIN MORGAN INTERVIEWS CHANDA - Oct 8 - Issue # 15

 

CHANDA INTERVIEWS THE CAPTAIN AND CHEY - Oct 1 - Issue # 16

 

HEATHER SCOT INTERVIEWS ADAM WARLOCK - Oct 22 - Issue #17

 

ADAM WARLOCK INTERVIEWS BIG SHANE - OCT 29 - Issue # 18

 

MARY ELIZABETH INTERVIEWS MR. ORNERY - NOV 26 - Issue # 19