I had never heard of Elmo's Roadside Dive in Peekatchoo, Ohio, but 

that was where Fuzzy insisted I meet him to conduct this interview. 

In a secret message, he told me too that he would be bundled up 

(‘it’s the adoring fan thing,’ was his explanation) 

and said that I should use the code phrase: 

'cockroaches chew crispy crunchy cucumbers'.

 Unfortunately, interview day dawned bright and cold and Elmo 

doesn’t seem to believe in central heating so all of 

the patrons were bundled up in woolen caps, scarves, overcoats, 

dark glasses, and mittens. 

I was on my third rendition of 'cockroaches chew crispy crunchy

 cucumbers' when I heard what sounded like a radiator leak and 

caught the words:

 'psst...over here' from a guy seated alone at one of the 

battle-scarred tables and...

Ladies, I have to tell you, Fuzzy ain't lyin'. 

He looked just like I imagine Brad Pitt would look 

if Brad Pitt was all bundled up in a wool cap, scarf, overcoat & mittens.

I would say Fuzzy was practically a dead ringer. 

'Whatever you do, don't try a Muppetburger,' 

was his official greeting. 

The coffee wasn’t much better so we got right to the interview. 

Ornery: 

According to your blog, you're from
 Troy, Ohio. 

Three things: 

1 - Is Troy planning to invade Athens, Ohio?

Fuzzy:

 Mr. O., I would think a man from a different country would know his

geography better than that. 

Athens isn't in Ohio. 

It is in Greece. 

On the Mediterranean Sea. 

Troy being landlocked would make it hard to even get there. 

But we are looking into the whole flying thing. 

As soon as I get off the no-fly watch list. 

Do you think jeans with a button fly would work?

Ornery: 

They might, although even buttons constitute a ‘fly’.

So where was I? 

Oh yes. 

2 - Is there by chance a Helen of Troy, Ohio?

Fuzzy: 

According to the phone book, which I have in hand now, 

there are........32.

Ornery: 

Okay, 

3 - Is there a particular Helen of Troy, Ohio 

you would say has 'the face that launched a thousand ships?' 

Fuzzy: 

No, but there’s a peculiar one they say 

‘has a face that stopped a thousand buses' and another who 

who launched a thousand shipMATES.

Ornery: 

Moving onward... I believe you said that you work in

 'waste management'. 

Care to elaborate?

Fuzzy: 

Well, that was a bit of a fib. 

Actually, I work as a bra-fitter. It's $7.50 an hour.

  A good thing too, cause that's all I could afford to pay.

 But the bennies are good,

 if you know what I mean. 

Ornery: 

I notice on your blog you have already envisioned 

being President of the United States.

 Is that why you so readily agreed to join the Non-Sense 

Party's non-campaign for 2008?

Fuzzy: 

Partly. 

The chance to work with you to solve the problems 

our country faces was a challenge I couldn't refuse. 

But the chance to work closely with Misty, well, let's just say,

 it was hard. 

Er...to refuse that also. 

Plus, I could keep my 'handsin'... my regular job. 

Uh, you know, the waste management thing. 

Is it getting hot in here??

Ornery:

 Could be your outfit, but I’m sure your adoring

 fans would make it worse. 

So if you were to actually become President, what would your 

first official act be?

Fuzzy: 

Well, Misty and I....

Ornery:

 No, no. Official act.

Fuzzy: 

Oh, well, uh, World Piece ...er, Peace. 

Yes, I would help you to establish World Peace. 

Just tell me how, and I'll work on it. 

But then, Misty and I....

Ornery: 

Let’s leave Misty behind.

Fuzzy:

She does have a cute one, doesn’t she?

(Note: both men were briefly lost in thought here, 

it being unfamiliar territory for either of them.)

Ornery:

 (as diner smells overwhelmed the imge of a behind):

I believe I read that you do not own a microwave or a cell phone. 

True? 

If so, why is that? 

Fuzzy: 

Well, I'm rethinking the microwave thing. 

I will make a final decision on that in the next few years,

 once I’m sure it doesn’t send signals to other appliances. 

A cell phone, no way.

 If I could get a call-out only phone, I would.

 I never answer the phone.

 I let it go to message. 

I even left the sample outgoing message in place. 

If people want to contact me, they can do it the old fashioned way.

 By threatening letter.

Ornery: 

Your blog is titled; Rants, Raves, and Observations. 

Fuzzy: 

Yes, lack of imagination. 

That being said, I've yet to make an observation on it. 

Mostly just rants. Very few raves. Mostly nothing. 

It's the Seinfeld of Blogstream. 

A blog about nothing.

Ornery: 

Many people want to know about your infamous 

'salad shooter'. 

“Yes, I know what they do to horses, Lowell Streiker, 
and stop pointing that salad-shooter at me!”

Care to explain that one?