OVERHEARD...
BY THE NAKED SOPRANOS
If I told ya, I'd have to kill ya...
(bad language here...if you are going to be offended, DON'T READ)
TONY
Good morning Rat.
There is no mafia.
There's an old Italian saying...
You fuck me once, you loose two teeth.
I won't pay, I know too much about extortion.
You don't shit where you eat.
And you certainly don't shit where I eat.
I can't find Pussy anywhere.
Carmela: Where were you last night?
Tony: No where.
I was the monogamy poster boy.
Swear to God.
Tony: Is Meadow still here?
Carmela: Jackie Jr. took her to the city to see Aida.
Tony: I - eat - her ?!
Gloria: Is it loaded?
Tony: There is nothing more useless then an unloaded gun.
Ralphie: Strength and honor !
Tony: Scotch and soda !
Carmela: If you want her to stay with him,
just keep it up.
Keep playing the race card.
You're gonna drive her right into his arms.
Tony: Not if I cut off those arms..
Bobby Baccalieri: To the victor belongs the spoils.
Tony: Why don't you get the fuck out of here before
I shove your quotation book up your fat fucking ass.
Phil: As coincidence would have it,
Fat Dom was last seen in New Jersey.
Tony: So was the Hindenberg.
You may want to look into that too.
What am I supposed to do?
Put out a APB on someone cause a guy takes it up the ass.
It's a victimless crime.
Just for the record, my incarceration was very short term.
So I never had any need for any anal, you know.
Carmela: Allegra Sacrimoni getting married.
Were we not just at her christening?
Tony: 1980. A fifty pound bundle of joy.
I'm gonna wait for Vito?
Hour and a half to take a dump that guy.
Could probably build a jetty with what comes out.
I did not want to fuck my mother!
You should have seen her in her house dress with that hairnet.
Tony to Bacala: I strongly suggest you consider salads
in the near future.
Don't lean on my truck,
you might flip it over you beached whale.
The belt, my father's favorite developmental tool.
Uncle Junior and I, we had our problems with the business.
But I never should have razzed him about eating pussy..
This whole war could have been averted.
Psychiartry and cunnilingus brought us to this.
Uncle June's is in the muff...did I say muff, I meant ruff.
South of the border, where the tuna play.
Tony: What are you reading?
Reena: Chicken Soup for the Soul.
Tony: You should try Tomato Sauce for Your Ass,
it's the Italian version.
Hood Chick: Get the fuck out of our neighborhood motherfucka.
Tony: You suck your father's cock with that mouth?
CARMELA
Act like a good Catholic for fifteen fucking minutes.
Is that too much to ask ?
What kind of animal smokes marijuana at his own confirmation ?
Maybe you pass out Tony because your're guilty over something,
like sticking your dick in everything.
You know Tony, it's a multiple choice thing with you.
Cause I can't get if you're old fashioned,
you're paranoid,
or you're just a fucking ass hole.
Tony: Uncle June, how was Boca?
Junior: Wonderful, I don't go down enough.
Carmela: That's not what I heard.
Tony: Like Popeye says, I yam what I yam.
Carmela: Well I didn't marry a cartoon.
Carmela: I found out that our son the liar had been fired
three weeks ago.
Tony: From Blockbuster?
How the fuck do you do that?
They got Rhesus monkeys workin'
as managers over there !
UNCLE JUNIOR
Did you hear the one about the Chinese Godfather?
He made them an offer they couldn't understand.
Livia is like the woman with a virginia ham under each arm,
crying cause she hasn't got any bread.
Don't be so fucking smart.
This could have gone another way my little nephew.
Anthony is a cunt hair away
from owning the entire Northern New Jersey,
and I am that cunt hair.
I got Feds so far up my ass,
I can taste Brylcream.
Junior: If you are gonna lie to me,
tell me there are two blondes outside the door
ready to tongue my balls.
Tony: Hey, if you want that is a phone call away.
Bobby: Why don't you use the bed pan Jun?
Junior: I'm not a cat, I don't shit in a box.
CHRISTOPHER
Paulie: Don't make me pull rank with you kid.
Christopher: Fuck you Paulie.
Captain or no captain,
right now we're just two ass holes stuck in the woods.
This ain't negotiation time.
This is Scarface, final scene, fucking bazookas under each arm.
Workman: I wanna talk to the foreman.
Christopher: You wanna talk to the foreskin?
I am quitting.
This is my good-bye party with heroin.
Adriana: You were saying she had a nice ass !
Christopher: I was trying to say something positive
cause she is your friend.
You ever think what a coincidence it is
that Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's Disease?
Tony: Where the fuck you been?
Chris: Highway was jammed with broken heroeos
on a last chance power drive.
They gotta take out her colon,
give her a semi-colon.
Who, that Mr. Magoo looking mother fucker ?
The Emerald Piper, that's our hell.
It's an Irish bar where it's St. Patrick's Day
every day of the year forever.
JANICE
Janice: What did you do with him?
Tony: We buried him.
On a hill, overlooking a little river, with pine cones all around.
Janice: Ah, really?
Tony: What are ya crazy?
Svetlana: Twenty thousand dollars.
That's how much it cost, that leg Janice took.
DR. MELFIE
Dr. Melfie: How'd that make you feel Tony?
Tony: I wished it was me in there.
Dr. Melfie: Giving the beating or taking it.
Tony: She's smart, she's sexy, she's Italian.
You stick with your own kind.
Dr. Melfie: What is this, West Side Story now?
I've been charmed by a sociopath.
Tony: What was your mother like?
She ever let you down,
do anything to hurt your feelings?
Dr. Melfie: Of course she did.
She was controlling, manipulative at times.
She also never tried to kill me.
LIVIA
My son, the mental patient.
MEADOW
Carmela: You want to talk to your father?
He's outside.
Meadow: Burning a cross ?
Meadow: I hate my life, being a Soprano.
Christopher: Hey don't ever say you hate life, it's blasphemy.
Meadow: Fuck you.
A.J.
So what, no fucking ziti now?
PAULIE WALNUTS
The Boss of the Family says you're gonna be Santa Claus,
you're gonna be Santa Claus.
So shut the fuck up about it.
Oh look at that !
It's like an add for a fucking weight loss center.
It's before and WAY before.
I'm sorry I yelled at ya T.
IT'S JUST THAT HOW MUCH BETRAYAL CAN I TAKE ?
Procrastination is like masturbation,
at first it may feel great,
but in the end, you're just screwing yourself.
So what's the story with Princess Di ?
Did the queen have her whacked?
Interviewer On TV: What caused the decline of the mafia?
Paulie To TV: You're sister's ass.
SILVIO
Just when I thought I was out,
they pulled me back in.
Till you pay what you owe,
that shaved twat of yours belongs to me.
You understand?
She's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Chris: Anything on Tony B.?
Silvio: Nah, he's still on the milk carton.
I stick provolone in my socks at night
so it will smell like your sister's crotch.
BIG PUSSY
I always wanted a house by the ocean.
Maybe in another life.
VITO
He Marvin Gayed is own nephew.
The boss of the family.
Vito: If you want proof,
I can probably get a letter from my doctor.
Tony: A note from your doctor sayin'
you don't like to suck cock?
Vito: I tell you, one of the best things about dropping all the weight?
All new wardrobe.
I keep it up I'm gonna need Clothing Anonymous.
Ray Curto: You shoulda called your sponsor
before you bought that suit.
BOBBY BACALA
Tony: Gassed?
My father told me they took him to a farm.
Bobby: That's what they always say.
That same farm must have about 17 billion dogs on it.
Dog shit to the rafters.
Tony: Free spirit Janice !
Rebel without a cause !
While I sit here mirred in her bullshit,
trying to be a good son,
while you were off dropping acid and blowing roadies.
Bobby B: Roadies?
Tony: Oh, you don't want to know !
RALPHIE
I hear Ginny Sack is having a 90 lb mole taken off her ass.
Ralphie: I'm on a roll here.
GiGi: You'll be on a slab if you keep it up.
Ralphie: Where is Tony?
GiGi: Getting his weasel greased.
Ralphie: Oh, your kid brother is here?
Vito: Please huh,
I know how to keep my mouth shut.
Ralphie: Unless of course, there's a salami sandwhich around.
FEECH
You know what's the biggest change for me,
coming out of the can?
Broads shaving thier bushes.
I went over to Silvio's,
it's like the Girl Scouts in there.
Fucking gardener, Paulie he trim the hair on your balls too ?
JOHNNY SACKS
We break more rules than the Catholic Church.
TONY BLUNDETTO
To think, when I got out of the joint,
I thought an airbag was Paulie Walnuts.
RICHIE APRILE
Tony: I thought I told you to back the fuck up with Beansie.
Richie: I did, then I put it in drive.
DAVID LEE ROTH
Ginsberg: Great tax loophole those SUV's.
Told all of my clients,
write it off on your business.
David Lee Roth: I used to be able to write off condoms.
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